This article helps you to learn more about the way you are in relationships, and the reasons why!
What is an attachment style?
An attachment style is a way of predicting the way you’ll act in your relationships. The styles were developed from a theory was created by Psychologist John Bowlby. He studied the relationship between children and their parents/primary caregivers, and how the way a person was cared for and supported by an “attachment figure” (particularly in the first few years of life) shaped elements of their later life, including how they expressed emotions, bonded with others, and developed coping strategies for stressful/emotional times.
Attachment theory states that the way you attached to others as a child will be how you attach to others in your adult life (partners, friends etc). Understanding your attachment style helps you better understand and improve how you relate to friends and family, as well as how you work with groups of people and how you handle obstacles in your life.
What are the different attachment styles?
Over the past few decades, researchers have described four main types of attachment styles in adults, based on parent-child attachment. These attachment styles are categorised by closeness (how comfortable you are in emotionally close and intimate relationships), avoidance/dependence (how comfortable you are having to depend on others or have them depend on you) and anxiety (whether you worry about whether your partner will abandon/reject you). It’s normal to have a mix of traits but usually you fall most into one style more than others.
The four different attachment styles are:
- Secure
- Anxious-Preoccupied/Ambivalent
- Dismissive/Avoidant
- Disorganised/Fearful-Avoidant
Which one am I?
Secure
If you have a Secure attachment style you tend to be:
- Naturally warm and loving
- Tend to be more assertive
- Are confident your needs will be met
- Are happy to ask for help
- Have a positive view of yourself
- Tend to experience a low level of avoidance and anxiety in your relationships
- Feel content with closeness
- Also enjoy your independence
The Secure style is the style most likely to report satisfaction within their relationships. It’s estimated 50-60% of the population are securely attached. Click here to learn more about Secure attachment style.
Anxious-Preoccupied/Ambivalent
If you have this attachment style you are likely to:
- Tend to alternate between being clingy (most of the time), and rejecting others before you can be rejected.
- Have a negative view of yourself
- Have a positive view of others
- Are more likely to be insecure.
- Crave intimacy and closeness
- Doubt your self-worth and/or
Blame yourself for other peoples’ lack of responsiveness/affection.
This style accounts for 15-20% of the population. Click here to learn more about the Anxious-Preoccupied/Ambivalent attachment style.
Dismissive/Avoidant
If you have this attachment style you’re likely to:
- Be withdrawn
- Be independent
- Don’t believe people will meet your needs
- Tend not to ask for help
- Generally have a positive view of yourself
- Generally have a more negative/distrusting view of others.
- Value independence over closeness
- Feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy
- Usually avoid acknowledging/sharing your feelings.
This style accounts for 20-25% of the population. Click here to learn more about the Dismissive/Avoidant attachment style.
Disorganised/Fearful-Avoidant
This is you if:
- You tend to be seeking to heal old situations from the past (trauma) in current relationships.
- You are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, or PTSD.
- You might be a bit of a bully, or defend yourself aggressively when attacked.
- More likely to use drugs/alcohol as a coping mechanism.
This attachment style is around 5% of the population. Click here to learn more about the Disorganised/Fearful-Avoidant attachment style.
Still not sure which one you fit into? Take a short, 5-6 minute quiz here: (https://www.scienceofpeople.com/attachment-styles/) to find out which attachment style you’re most likely to be.
So how can I cultivate a more secure attachment style?
Attachment styles can really impact the success and quality of your relationships, but don’t worry if you’re not the style you’d like to be – it IS possible to alter your style. How?
1 – Develop an awareness of your attachment style (well done, you’ve already ticked that one off!)
2 – Therapy – Anxious-preoccupied types may need to work on their self-esteem and overall self-worth to feel more secure in themselves in order to feel more secure within a relationship, whereas Avoidant types often require more inner work on connecting with and expressing their emotions, being less fearful of intimacy and healthier coping mechanisms for the potential threat of rejection.
3 – If your current attachment style is creating difficulties within your relationship, try communicating with your partner about your individual needs to understand each other better. This might include exercises such as completing the quiz together, learning about each other’s attachment styles, making a list of the qualities in your partner that you appreciate, or seeking out couples counselling together to work through any differences together, so you can best meet each other’s needs!
If you’d like to work on your attachment style with one of our Psychologists or Counsellors, click here to book your first appointment.
