Do you suspect you’re engaging in people pleasing? People pleasing is when you rarely, if ever, say no to requests from others, and you do this even when you’re short on time, energy, or money. It’s lovely to help others, but not if the cost to yourself is too high. When it is, that’s people pleasing.
Often, people pleasers tell themselves their relationships are better due to people pleasing. But actually, people pleasing damages relationships.
In the short term, being a people pleaser can leave you feeling run down and exhausted. In the long term, people pleasing damages your self-esteem, as you send out a message that your needs aren’t as important as other people’s.
See if you recognise yourself in the signs below. If you do, you might need some help with saying no to others more often, and yes to yourself instead. Check out these psychological signs that you’re a people pleaser, as well as the psychological strategies that can help you become more assertive over time, boosting your energy reserves as well as your self-confidence.
1. You think you have to fix other people’s problems
No, you don’t! No, really. They are adults. They can figure it out themselves, and if they need your help, they can ask for it in specific ways. Unless the person you want to help has asked for your help in a specific way, then focus on you solving your problems, and let them solve theirs.
2. You think you have to fix other people’s feelings
Hold up – you NEVER have to fix anyone’s feelings. Feelings are for feeling, not fixing. Aim to empathise instead – it’s what research has shown people really want, is usually received far better as a result, and is less exhausting for you too.
3. You say sorry all the time
Save ‘sorry’ for when you really regret something and want to make amends. It makes your sorry more meaningful, and this way, your self esteem doesn’t take a hit nearly as often either. You don’t need to apologise for existing, or for speaking up.
4. You say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’
Did you know that an exhausted, over committed, and slightly resentful person isn’t actually who your friends and family want around? Do yourself and them a favour and save ‘yes’, like sorry, for when you really mean it.
5. You shut down when you even think about saying ‘no’
For some people, the journey to outright assertiveness will be a long one. Rather than over commit to something you can’t do yet (and feel like a failure as a result), focus instead of saying ‘maybe’ instead of giving an automatic ‘yes’. Then, when you’ve mastered delaying your commitment, you can work on giving a crafted, scripted ‘no’ after the fact.
6. You put your needs last
Like in the above point, small steps are what’s going to lead to change. Try giving yourself 5 minutes of self-care time early in the day, before you start helping others, and then build up over time into considering your own needs throughout the day as requests are made of you.
What to do next
As you can see from the above signs, there are multiple elements involved in people pleasing. All of the above signs are thinking or action habits, and to change a habit takes time, and persistence. So don’t beat yourself up if you can’t implement our suggestions right away! Pick one area to change, and focus on changing that.
If you’d like to access more specific, detailed help with becoming more assertive, that’s something we can help you with at Sage & Sound during our 1:1 therapy sessions. All of our therapists are trained in the psychological theory and practice of habit building. Whether you choose a psychologist or a counsellor to help you to change your habits, your therapist will collaborate with you to create a plan for change, provide you with the emotional support required to implement your plan, and make sure you don’t ‘forget’ what you’re working on.
If this sounds like the right level of support for you, book your appointment using the button below, and get started on becoming more assertive today.
